Feeling Good about Starting School

photo by: Kirsten Desorcy

I started University on September 5th. I was so excited. I had made a school board for my daughter that was starting Maternelle and the night before school I looked at it and thought, "I should do that". It's silly for me to fill this out but in a sense I am starting over - starting a new chapter of my life. It's scary and yet exciting all at once. This is a day I want to remember. This is the day I am starting to take my dream to turn it into a reality. On this day I am ready to shift my mindset towards a new lifestyle and career path.

As I mentioned in my first (and feature post) about the reason I decided to change careers I suffer with depression. It comes in spurts and usually is the worst around February-April in the year. Along with the depression I sometimes have trouble keeping my anxiety down and I get panic attacks. Depression and Anxiety is something that comes natural for me - it's genetic and it's also circumstantial. I also am diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder so my anxiety is a very real concern for me sometimes. I'm writing this because I believe sometimes it's very hard for some people to understand that what people often show on the outside is not always how they feel on the inside. Changing career paths is NOT easy, and for me it causes anxiety - especially over finances. I don't know what my future holds any more, I doubt myself and my capabilities every day. I've been wrestling with the decision to even follow this career because I am constantly doubting my capabilities to get through University. What if I am not smart enough?

I am a person that has always worked hard and I am very critical of myself. I tear myself apart. I'm sure many people can relate. Even if I do a good job at something I always think of the negative - what I could have done differently or better. If I got 89% on a test I'm mad at myself because I believe I need to have over 94% always. Even 90% was never good enough and yet a 90 is the same letter grade as a 95. I always put on a façade that I don't care what people think but yet I am my biggest critic.

Taking this picture was something I decided to do out of excitement and symbolism and yet I didn't share it because I know it makes me look silly. Well you know what? It feels good to feel good about something. It feels good to be excited. I didn't realized just how depressed I have become that just a little bit of hope and excitement feels different and fresh.

Over the last 2 years my doctor has been treating my anxiety and depression. I have been on anti-depressants since I was 19 years old but sometimes my doses need to be changed or I get a supplemental anti-depressant for a while. I've come to a point where my current job no longer has been beneficial to my health and even though I want to work and I WANT to excel - my mind and body are too tired to carry on. It makes me feel weak to give up and admit that I can no longer function properly. I feel guilty. I feel like I should just "suck it up" and do it. However, when your family life and relationships start to suffer and it just becomes too hard to be around people you've already fallen too far down. That's me. I've fallen and I had a hard time admitting it.

My light at the end of the tunnel ended up being school. Weird as it might sound to someone who doesn't enjoy things like that. My saving grace and happy place has always been buried in books. I love to learn and I love to challenge my brain. Having my brain challenged like this has created excitement in my life. So why shouldn't I post a photo about my first day of school? It has been like the start of a new beginning. I shouldn't have to feel bad about feeling good. I need to fight off these inner demons and focus on the light. Focus on the positive. Focus on finding the good in every situation. Nobody is perfect so why do we always think we need to be? The focus should be on the journey. All the little steps along the way that form your life and character - some might be hard but the important thing is to stay true to who you are and where your faith lies.